and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
