marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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