I think I just saw someone hide a body.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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