I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
