She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
