I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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