youre lurking in front of me
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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