Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
