Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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