why didn't you poke me back
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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