I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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