fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
