I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
