he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
What happened to fro yo and sex?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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