if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
This gyro tastes like lonliness
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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