WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
