dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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