I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize