Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
