I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Your dad touched me again.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
