i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
