Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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