i always forget guys have bellybuttons
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize