I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
