i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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