i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
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