It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
