"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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