The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
