I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
