I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
