"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
me + whiskey = a bad person
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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