I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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