getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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