I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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