I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
