I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
