Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
