so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
