my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
