We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
