Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I would fuck him just for his dog
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
