Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
