you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize