My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
