At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
