her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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