Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
