I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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