i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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