fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
