It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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