I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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