Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
