There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
