I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
