No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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