God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
