shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
