I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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