i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
