i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
