Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
